Familia

what happened to the word family? family use to be love and love use to mean something! aunts, uncles, grand parents, parents, sisters and brothers... it doesn't mean s anymore! everybody is hurting, everyone gets miss treated. so what does one do? turn on the rest of the family and hurt all the wrong people. even the people that have gone through all the trash with you and you turn your back on them and alienate them and for what? cause your pains are worse then the other persons? i know my family bugs me sometimes, but i love them and there isn't a single thing i wouldn't do for them. i also wouldn't stop talking to them or make it such a burden to get together with them for lunch or something... i have been through things i wouldn't wish on anyone. you don't see me treating people like trash! or disowning my family! i just don't get it.... there is always going to be someone that has had it worse.. i have had it pretty bad, but there is someone that had it worse than me... so what are you gonna feel sorry for yourself or become an alcoholic? drug addict? or be that guy that beats there wife or cheats on her? how about growing the f@*% up! but it is hard to stand by and say nothing.. so what do i do? stand by with a smile? ignore it? or go off on them? it would do no good. so honestly it turns me off on caring or wanting to be around.. and that is truly sad! and it breaks my heart! it really makes me want to cry, and gives me anxiety... i don't know what to do... give up? not my style.. cry? it would accomplish nothing! beat the shit out of someone or something? not worth it.. kill myself? that would be pathetic and selfish and quite honestly low of me to do!!! so i guess this is left at a stalemate and things remain unsaid... God? save us from ourselves... before it's too late!

my dream last night

Every body was fleeing to the churches. me and most of my family was at Englewood, praying, screaming, worshiping like i have never seen before. People were sprouting horn on there heads, faces were being disfigured. Everyone was praying for a god that would fix them and heal them, but god was clearly mad. Dad, Sabrena, Gail and Makaila were the only ones there out of the fam. Jon Crippin was there, but those are the only people i could recognize. the church was filled. something i haven't seen since i was around 12. Sabrena, Gail and I were crying hysterically and i had a book in my hand that i wanted to read so bad and we were crying about this book. Gail and Sabrena left me, they refused to have anything to do with it and would refuse to have anything to do with me as well. so i threw the book outside as hard as i could it only went a couple feet. i closed the door went to my dad and everyone was saying how they wanted nothing to do with that book. and i wasn't satisfied with how far it flew so i re-opened the door and tried to kick it further and as i did there were these things out there so i came back in knowing they could not come into gods house. People were still praying to be healed, but they sprouted more horn and were getting hove like horns for hands, it was a clear sign of lack of faith. Gail wanted Makaila to be baptized for some reason it was like she wanted here baptized before the world ended. As Makaila was getting ready to be baptized Gail started to read some scripture and started freaking out saying that it wasn't right and it was evil and it needed to stop. it seemed to me that there were so many false copies of the bible that people didn't know what to believe or what to follow.... Everyone one was just so confused and mislead. i told her to go talk to Jon and to stop it and stop it now, if she felt it necessary. She started crying and i started to yell at her saying if you don't stop it now you may loose your daughter. So she ran for her. to me it was almost like Gail was so afraid that she was going to baptize her daughter into darkness. Even now as i write this i feel a huge sense of sadness and am about to cry... Sabrena, Gail and I came back together unsure of what to do. We tried to get Jon to talk to us, but all he could say in passing is be strong and pray. So we tried in between the tears and the wailing sobs... In the main church were a lot of people where something red like a light, maybe a glow from a fire, came through the roof. People started screaming and changing even more. then i cut to a different seen. We were in a war against something... a thing, but there were many things. I fought hard to not loose grip of my emotions or show tears for fear of retaliation was close. these cat like creatures were every where just cutting people apart. there nails going through skin and bones like butter. Some people even found a way to control them in a slight way, but it was more of a deal they made with the devil to stay safe. As long as they gave them victims. this one guy broke down and was sobbing cause this creature was near, he went into this little shelter like a security guard post that had been beat up from the years and warfare.. the creature came up to the door, but wouldn't go in i couldn't have been more than 2 feet away from this thing. it look at this man sitting just outside the door like it was waiting for approval and the man leaned in close and said... get'em it went in and tore that man apart. i got to see it from his eyes though, i didn't feel any pain other than the sympathy pain i felt for that poor man. as i watched this man be torn apart i knew the world was going to hell... then i woke up.